it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
