Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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