so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
