all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Randomize
