I faked an abortion last night.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
