I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
