the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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