I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
You are a genius and a whore.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
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