The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Randomize
