hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
