Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
