the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Randomize
