Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
