My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
