Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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