if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
