i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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