I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
