my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Pooping to opera.
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