your parents love me but you hate me
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
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