people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Randomize
