Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Randomize
