It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Randomize
