apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
