proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I can't trust your balls anymore.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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