If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
So squirting runs in the family.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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