Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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