Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
