If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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