You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Randomize
