I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
