Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
