Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
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