God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
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