his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
