Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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