My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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