Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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