I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
