Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
