I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Randomize
