Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
