I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
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