Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
3 2 1 whiskey
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
