The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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