I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
