Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
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