4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
its liver damage thursday
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
