Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Randomize
