I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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