He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
